My Rebellion ~ God's Restoration

GET UP!

GOD IS NOT FINISHED WITH YOU!

Chapter 2

My Rebellion

God’s Restoration

“For the wages of sin is death,

but the free gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord,” (Romans 6:23).

My Fall

My fall was at the beginning of my ministry. I was relatively new in my salvation. I started Bible College only three months after I had given my life to my Lord. In less than four years I graduated from Bible College. I knew the scriptures well. My desire to serve the Lord was great, but I had not dealt with the sins of my past. My sins were still lurking in my heart. They would soon overwhelm me.

I had kept sin under control during college. However, after graduation, little by little, I began to give into my sins. In a short period of time, I had given into them.  I was an interim preacher for about a year before the sin in my life had totally overtaken me. I could no longer hide the sins from the Church and my family. My inner struggle was no longer hidden, but out in the open. Now in the open, I used this situation to go all the way with the darkness that had overwhelmed my heart. Part of me said that my hope to be God’s servant is destroyed, so why struggle any longer. However, looking back, I now think this was actually the excuse I needed to break free from the Light and embrace the darkness. I used blame; it is my wife’s fault, and God’s fault that I am here because they let me down. I thought they justified my fall. The truth is I was forsaking my life ambition, my family and friends. Solomon said this state of heart is evil and insanity, “This is an evil in all that is done under the sun, that there is one fate for all men. Furthermore, the hearts of the sons of men are full of evil and insanity is in their hearts throughout their lives…” (Ecclesiastes 9:3).

I had crossed back over the line. I knew God and then walked away from God knowingly and willingly. Peter said this, “And when people escape from the wickedness of the world by knowing our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ and then get tangled up and enslaved by sin again, they are worse off than before. It would be better if they had never known the way to righteousness than to know it and then reject the command they were given to live a holy life. They prove the truth of this proverb: ‘A dog returns to its vomit.’ And another says, ‘A washed pig returns to the mud,’" (2Peter 2:20-22).

How I Fell

I had reached a point where I was feeding my flesh a regular diet and had stopped feeding my spirit. My prayer life was diminished to a want list. I mostly complained to God in my prayers. Sometimes I asked for forgiveness, but as I progressed in sin, asking for forgiveness faded. I began to blame God for things going wrong in my life. I read His Word for sermons and lessons only. I had stopped communing with God through prayer and His Word. The voice of the Holy Spirit, talking to me about repentance, began to fade. My conscience was being seared. My flesh was lit up with passion. My heart and soul had become the devil’s playground. I’m sure Satan and his henchman had determined that they had taken me out. And as my sin found me out and became apparent for all to see, they must have cheered thinking I would no longer be one of God servants. Certainly, I was in agreement with them at the time. My life as a Christ follower and leader in His Church was over. But my future surprise was to learn God was not finished with me and GOD IS NOT FINISHED WITH YOU!

God Was Not Finished

My life does not end in rebellion. Thank You Lord that You will not let us go. In the Apostle Paul’s letter to the Roman Church, written after he had murdered and persecuted believers in Jesus Christ’s Church and then was saved by grace, he now proclaims with power and authority, “And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God's love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow—not even the powers of hell can separate us from God's love. No power in the sky above or in the earth below—indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord,” (Romans 8:38, 39 NLT).

Recovering From My Fall

I had not been plucked from His love. However, by allowing me to fall and reap the severe consequences of my rebellion, God was preparing me and getting me ready to do His best work in me.  

In His preparation for my recovery, there was still one more thing God needed to do to make me ready for His restoration. God needed to break me. He needed to break my heart. He needed me to understand that sin is death, and how terrifying death can be. Death is separation from Him. I was learning how unbearable life without God could be. God wanted me to return to my knees. I needed to come to the point where I would cry out, “I need You, my Savior! I cannot endure this life any longer. Please save me O God!” But before my cry to God could be sincere and genuine, I needed to be wholly broken. I needed to be prepared for what God calls the circumcision of the heart. “…circumcision is that which is of the heart, by the Spirit…” (Romans 2:29). "Moreover the LORD your God will circumcise your heart and the heart of your descendants, to love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul, so that you may live.” (Deuteronomy 30:6). I needed to be prepared for the Spirit’s circumcision of sin from my heart. Listen to this verse. It is a look at God’s open-heart circumcision. "Come, let us return to the LORD. For He has torn us, but He will heal us; He has wounded us, but He will bandage us,” (Hosea 6:1). That is right, it says, “He tore us… He wounded us.” He does this, so “He will heal us.”

Consider the sin going on at the Corinthian Church. “It is actually reported that there is immorality among you, and immorality of such a kind as does not exist even among the Gentiles, that someone has his father's wife,” (1Corinthians 5:1). This Corinthian man was openly and blatantly in sin, immorality. Paul says it was immorality that even the Gentiles do not do. This man apparently had an immoral relationship with his father’s wife. Paul’s solution was first to get the man out of the Church. Second, was to do what I think Hosea is talking about, to tear and wound him hoping that the man would be healed. Acting in the authority of our Lord Jesus, here is Paul’s solution, “In the name of our Lord Jesus, when you are assembled, and I with you in spirit, with the power of our Lord Jesus, I have decided to deliver such a one to Satan for the destruction of his flesh, so that his spirit may be saved in the day of the Lord Jesus,” (1Corinthians 5:4, 5). For me also, I needed to reap the error of my way. It was as though God had said to Satan about me, as long as he is in rebellion, do what you want with him until he REPENTS!

My Repentance

My repentance came at age 49. In 13 years of rebellion I was divorced 3 times. My daughters were seriously hurt by me, a father who let them down. My employers and my church had lost their trust in me. The pain became intolerable. My consumption of alcohol and drugs could no longer mask the tremendous emptiness and disappointment of my life. Totally broken, and under the extreme burden of grief and guilt, I came to my knees before the Lord. I prayed, “Lord, my sorrow, guilt and pain are too much to suffer. Can you help me, please? Lord, if only I can find a little happiness and joy in this life I would be so thankful.” My heart had been torn and my wounds were deep. The circumcision of my heart was in progress. Now God could begin to heal my life.

Circumcision and Healing of My Heart

The Lord heard my prayer. In Bible College, I had memorized substantial portions of God’s Word, but now after years of rebellion and sin, I could only remember one partial verse and one whole verse. The partial verse, “For the word of God is living and active and sharper than any two-edged sword, and piercing as far as the division of soul and spirit,” (Hebrews 4:12a). The whole verse, “…for you have been born again not of seed which is perishable but imperishable, that is, through the living and enduring word of God,” (1Peter 1:23). God’s word is living and is active in my soul and spirit. The two-edge sword of the God’s word would do its work of circumcision. I think God had left me these two verses, so He could begin the circumcision of my heart and healing at the time that I would be ready.

The Holy Spirit was now speaking to me again loud and clear, telling me His Word will heal me. I began listening to God through His Word and the Holy Spirit. I also began talking to my Creator through prayer. If He made me, He could fix me; at least I hoped and prayed this to be true.

Becoming My Lord and God

I remained faithful in reading His Word and talking with my Lord. He was no longer just the Lord, but my Lord now. I read the Psalms, Proverbs, and Ecclesiastes often. These books taught me about the heart of God. The book of Psalms unveils the heart of David talking to God. David shared everything; his sorrows and joys, doubts and trust, cries for help, and praises for God’s rescues. Psalms also taught me God’s heart as He responded to David. I became like David sharing everything, and I started learning how to listen to God for His responses. The book of Proverbs is God’s standard, or ruler, by which I began to measure the actions and thoughts of my life. The book of Ecclesiastes is my reminder to stay on God’s path. All is folly except to know God. I also began to systematically read the Word from start to finish. This time by reading God’s Word, I read and listened. I had no agenda of reading a certain number of verses or chapters per day. I only read to hear and understand. “Let the wise listen to these proverbs and become even wiser. Let those with understanding receive guidance,” (Proverbs 1:5 NLT).

Our New Relationship

It was at this time that the Lord shared through His Word, speaking to my heart about what would be the essence of our new relationship. And, of all places, this life-changing message came out of the Genesis genealogies. Usually, I would quickly scan through them because they were so boring, but this time I was reading and listening. Genesis says, “Then Enoch walked with God three hundred years after he became the father of Methuselah, and he had other sons and daughters. So all the days of Enoch were three hundred and sixty-five years,” (Genesis 5:22, 23). “Enoch walked with God.” He only lived 365 years compared to everyone else living 700 to more than 900 years. In comparison to his generation, his life was short. But, the quality of his life must have been unequaled. The NLT Bible puts it this way, “Enoch lived in close fellowship with God.”

Now at about age 50, I lived most of my life in ruin. I wanted to live the rest of my life in a worthwhile and close fellowship with God. I am learning to walk with God. Daily my life grows in greater intimacy with my Creator. My friends, life is hard, but through walking with God in the valleys and mountaintops, I am discovering my Redeemer.

“Then Christ will make His home in your hearts as you trust in Him. Your roots will grow down into God's love and keep you strong. And may you have the power to understand, as all God's people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep His love is. May you experience the love of Christ, though it is too great to understand fully. Then you will be made complete with all the fullness of life and power that comes from God,” (Ephesians 3:17-19). Noah was another person who the Bible says walked with God. The result of Noah walking with God changed the world significantly and forever!

Restoring My Life

Two years later the Lord started talking to me about going back to Church. I resisted, but He was talking; I was listening, and I needed to go. I worked up the courage to start going back to Church. I went to a local community church because I was too embarrassed to go back to the church that originally trained me for ministry. I went to an evening service and sat in the back. I wanted to be able to make a quick exit to avoid the anticipated probing questions that I was not prepared to answer. I did not want to explain that I was once in the ministry, and now my life is in ruins. To my surprise, at the end of the message the pastor started talking about communion. I wanted to run out the door, but as he talked of the cross and shedding of the Lord’s blood for me, all I could do was weep. This time communion was up close and personal. While glued to my chair and weeping, the emblems came to me. I shared in the Lord’s sacrifice of dying on the cross for me and for my rebellion. Never did it mean so much to me as it did in that moment.

Since that day, I cry easily. I went from tough guy to humble guy. To this day I’m still broken, but I am restored and I walk by His grace only through his mercy. I went home humbled and grateful. My prayer that night was “Lord, You arranged that for me, thank You. You are an awesome God!”

 Restoring Me in His Church

A few months later my wife and I started looking for a church we both could attend. We found a community church, River Rock Church, in Camas, Washington. They had a new pastor, Kelly Backstrom. I took him to coffee to describe who I was, Damaged Goods. As I began to explain Kelly stopped me. He said he had found Christ when he was in a youth center for boys, also known as a reformatory for boys. Kelly also explained how he had once been in ministry and then had fallen. God had restored Kelly’s life and ministry. I wondered, is there hope for me too? Could God restore such a one as me?

Kelly’s testimony was encouraging because he was now the lead pastor at River Rock Church. God turned Kelly’s life around. I decided to put myself under Kelly’s authority, and let him be my pastor and shepherd. Peter’s instructions were, “You younger men, likewise, be subject to your elders; and all of you, clothe yourselves with humility toward one another, for GOD IS OPPOSED TO THE PROUD, BUT GIVES GRACE TO THE HUMBLE. Therefore humble yourselves under the mighty hand of God, that He may exalt you at the proper time,” (1Peter 5:5, 6). I was not young in years, but I had become young in the Lord again. I was learning about my Lord and what He means to my new life. Paul’s instructions to the Ephesians’ elders were "Be on guard for yourselves and for all the flock, among which the Holy Spirit has made you overseers, to shepherd the church of God which He purchased with His own blood,” (Acts 20:28).

I now had God’s living Word and the Holy Spirit talking and breathing life into me, and one of God’s shepherds to mentor me. Along the way, the Lord brought more shepherds to help mentor me. I carried within my heart, and still do, humility caused by the reality of how wicked I became. Now, all of God’s provisions to bring about His circumcision and healing of my heart were in place.

Continuing with Healing

The process of the circumcision of my heart is continuous even to this day. Currently, I am in the Philippines starting new churches for our Lord. I have been commissioned and sent by the Elders of River Rock Church to accomplish this work, Lord willing. God has confirmed by His power and favor this ministry in the Philippines. Still, I work under Pastor Kelly and the Elders of River Rock Church, and I am a fellow pastor/elder working in concert with them.

I daily seek forgiveness from my Lord. I spend time on my face before His Throne of Grace. “Therefore let us draw near with confidence to the throne of grace, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need,” (Hebrews 4:16). I read, listen, and gain an understanding of His Word. Each day I thank Him for this precious gift of life He has given me. I thank Him for my family and health. I thank Him for all His provisions and kindness in my life. But most importantly, I thank Him for forgiving me and restoring me. It is because of His awesome love for me that I give my life back to Him as a sacrifice and offering. “Therefore I urge you, brethren, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies a living and holy sacrifice, acceptable to God, which is your spiritual service of worship. And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, so that you may prove what the will of God is, that which is good and acceptable and perfect. For through the grace given to me I say to everyone among you not to think more highly of himself than he ought to think; but to think so as to have sound judgment, as God has allotted to each a measure of faith,” (Romans 12:11-3). I thank Him for the privilege of allowing me to work in His Church, in His name, and in His authority. I love Him because He loves me. My Lord, my God and my Friend, my Savior and Lord, Jesus Christ! Thank You Lord for allowing me to walk with You through this amazing life. Amen!

Psalm 30 A Psalm; a Song at the Dedication of the House.

A Psalm of David.

I will extol You, O LORD, for You have lifted me up, And have not let my enemies rejoice over me.

O LORD my God, I cried to You for help, and You healed me.

O LORD, You have brought up my soul from Sheol; You have kept me alive, that I would not go down to the pit.

Sing praise to the LORD, you His godly ones, And give thanks to His holy name.

For His anger is but for a moment, His favor is for a lifetime; Weeping may last for the night, But a shout of joy comes in the morning.

Now as for me, I said in my prosperity, "I will never be moved."

O LORD, by Your favor You have made my mountain to stand strong; You hid Your face, I was dismayed.

To You, O LORD, I called, And to the Lord I made supplication:

"What profit is there in my blood, if I go down to the pit? Will the dust praise You? Will it declare Your faithfulness?

"Hear, O LORD, and be gracious to me; O LORD, be my helper."

You have turned for me my mourning into dancing; You have loosed my sackcloth and girded me with gladness,

That my soul may sing praise to You and not be silent. O LORD my God, I will give thanks to You forever.