Chapter 3
Ordained to Serve
Predictable Fall
“For our struggle is not against
flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the powers, against the world
forces of this darkness, against the spiritual forces
of wickedness in the heavenly places” (Ephesians 6:12).
It is my experience that God does not
give up on us. However, there are some who fall into rebellion and never
recover. If they never recover it is not because God is not able, but that they
are unwilling. As you read this and if God pricks your heart, He is talking to
you. Be encouraged, God can deliver you. The Lord is mighty to save!
“The LORD your God is with you, he
is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with
his love, he will rejoice over you with singing," (Zephaniah 3:17 NIV). God is relentless in His pursuit for
His children. “The Lord is not slow about His promise, as some
count slowness, but is patient toward you, not wishing for any to perish but
for all to come to repentance,” (2Peter 3:9). My life is different from most. I have seen many come
to the Lord, and they all grow in the Lord through various difficulties, but typically,
not with the degree of difficulty my life has been. Yet, in spite of the degree
of difficulty and rebellion my life was, the Lord has restored me. Thank You
Lord!
My life is
marked with unique encounters with God. After each encounter with God, I have a
period of rebellion or forgetfulness of who I am. “For if
anyone is a hearer of the word and not a doer, he is like a man who looks at
his natural face in a mirror; for once
he has looked at himself and gone away, he has immediately forgotten what kind
of person he was,” (James 1:23, 24). Most of my encounters with the Lord are significant and I
think needed for the salvation of my soul.
Complete
surrender to the Lord did not come easily for me. There were many strongholds
and powerful forces of darkness in my life. These came on me early in my
childhood. “There are strong schemes of the devil, powerful forces, world
forces of darkness, and spiritual forces
of wickedness are at work in the battle for our souls,” (Ephesians 6:12b, 13
Paraphrased by me). “And you
were dead in your trespasses and sins, in which you formerly walked according
to the course of this world, according to the prince of the power of the air,
of the spirit that is now working in the sons of disobedience. Among them we
too all formerly lived in the lusts of our flesh, indulging the desires of the
flesh and of the mind, and were by nature children of wrath, even as the rest,”
(Ephesians 2:1-3). Once saved, these powerful forces don’t go away easily. I have
talked with many Christians and pastors whose addictions hang on even after the
point of salvation. The battle of the flesh and the dark forces are well talked
about throughout the Bible. The Apostle Paul speaks of this in detail in Romans
Chapters 7, and 8.
Ordained to Serve
My
earliest memories are of God. I was 3 or 4 years old, and I can remember
praying with my grandma on my mother’s side. Grandma also had a daughter, my Aunt
Pamie, who was 6 months older than me. My grandma taught us the prayer, “Now I
Lay Me Down to Sleep”. I remember she taught us the song, “Jesus Loves the
Little Children”. She also taught us that we have a guardian angel that keeps
watch over us.
At age 7, my grandma and mother took
me to see The Ten Commandments movie, by Cecile B DeMille. At that time
it was still in theaters. The movie was at a theater in Long Beach, CA. At the
end of the movie, I walked out and stood on a large rock of an ocean jetty near
the theater. This was my first significant moment with God. I had tunnel vision
of the rocks, ocean, and sky. It all was exceptionally bright, and tunnel
focused. I felt one on one with the Lord. I talked with God in a child-like
faith, and asked Him if He would use my life as He used Moses. For several
years every night I prayed God would use my life like he used Moses. There are
a few times in my life I felt an extraordinary presences of God, this was one
of them.
The next time I had this experience
was when Aunt Pamie died at age 9. I was walking to school, praying and crying
because God had taken her to heaven and I missed her. As I looked into the sky,
I had the same experience of the tunnel vision and bright clouds almost close
enough to touch, except I heard or felt God saying that Pamie was okay and not
to miss her. Since then, my brother, father, and step-father have passed away,
and I have not mourned them. I only rejoice knowing they are with the Lord.
Grandma
graduated from L.I.F.E. Bible College of the Four Square Church and was
ordained. She, like me, had problems with immorality and drinking. Because of
Grandma’s drinking, Mother asked her to leave our lives. The last time I saw my
Grandma was at about age 10. She gave me a Bible and said something about this
book will be your life. I would find God in it. She said this was the most
important book of my life. Grandma talked to me about being first-born and
male. “(As it is written in the Law of the Lord, ‘EVERY firstborn MALE THAT
OPENS THE WOMB SHALL BE CALLED HOLY TO THE LORD’),” (Luke 2:23). Then she
prayed for me to follow God. It was late at night, and she woke me, so it is
the best I remember it. This was the last time my mother or I saw my Grandma. I
pray Grandma returned to the Lord, and finished her life strong in His service.
I pray I finish my life strong for the Lord, too.
Looking back, I believe my grandma
ordained me to serve the Lord, and my prayer to God was to use my life for
something special, like He used Moses. I also believe that because of my
family’s life style of immorality and drinking, my fall was predictable.
Predictable Fall
There were strongholds and world
forces of darkness that came to grip my life early on. “The weapons we fight
with are not the weapons of the world. On the contrary, they have divine power
to demolish strongholds,”
(2Corinthians 10:4). The strongholds of drugs and immorality were established
early in my life and fortified over time. The Lord was going to have to do a
mighty work by His divine power to demolish these strongholds, and free my life
from them.
Unfortunately,
my memory of the early experiences with God faded with the passing of time.
After Grandma disappeared there was no one to encourage me in my faith. My
mother believed in God but was not active in her faith until after she retired.
Also, Mother had problems with drinking. Mother was divorced when I was two. My
step dad, who loved my younger brother and me dearly, was also immoral and
drank heavily. My step dad was in the military and was gone most of my teen
years. I did not come to know my biological father until I was 50 years old. I
don’t know the details of his life, except he drank daily. I was introduced sex
at age 6 and to pornography at age 9. The strongholds of immorality, drinking
and drugs, were imbedded thoroughly in my family, and in me. These were also
reinforced with the world forces of darkness of the American 1960’s.
My next connection with God was in my mid-teens. By this time, I had
already had sexual experiences and was weekend drinking. A teacher had also
sexually molested me. My high school friend, Don, started taking me to a
Christian youth group.
My life now was lived double-minded. I listen intently to the church
teachers. I worshiped God at the meetings. Then the next day I would live my
life with sex and drinking. “For that man ought not to expect that he will
receive anything from the Lord, being a double-minded man, unstable in all
his ways,” (James 1:7, 8).
Unstable… that was the best way to describe my life until age 49.
Whenever God was mentioned I was respectful, but I went on living my life as if
God did not exist. I never lost my belief in God. He just made no difference in
my behavior. James says, “You believe that God is one. You do well; the demons
also believe, and shudder,” (James 1:19).
I was a teen in the late 1960’s during the Hippy Movement. Sex, drugs
and rock an’ roll was one of the mantras. Another mantra was make love, not
war. The sexual revolution was tuned in, turned on and so was I. I was
introduced to drugs at age 21. This is where I met the woman who became my first
wife. We hit the parties together. It wasn’t long before she got pregnant. I
was age 23 when we got married. We soon had our first child. We still partied.
We were extremely irresponsible. At age 27, we hit a bottom. My wife left me and
took both daughters with her. I was alone reaping consequences of my life. I
believe the Holy Spirit hit me hard with guilt and remorse. "And He (the
Holy Spirit), when He comes, will convict the world concerning sin and
righteousness and judgment,” (John 16:8). Sin and judgment filled my mind.
There I sat alone in my living room. I cried out to God. My heart was breaking
that I may never see my two daughters again. Finally, I lay on the floor face
down. I was praying that God might help my situation. I asked Him to forgive
me. Then suddenly, I saw a bright light. It was late at night, my eyes were
closed, and yet it was bright as day. I opened my eyes, and my room was lighted
up like the brightest of lights. I sensed the presence of God. This did not last
long, but I was unexpectedly aware of God again. There was no communication
this time. I was only aware of His presence.
Extremely Doubled-Minded
After the experience in my living room, I called my friend, Leroy, who
had just found God. Leroy and his wife, Dodi, were like second parents to my
brother, Greg, and me. Just months before, Leroy went from ridiculing God and
the Jesus freaks on a regular bases, to praising God with almost every sentence
uttered from his mouth. Leroy had an overnight conversion much like the Apostle
Paul. His conversion was instant and significant. Leroy was well known, and
people took notice that he was a remarkably changed man. Leroy moved to a small
city outside of Boise, Idaho, and bought a farm to get his kids out of the big
city and its influence.
When Leroy answered my phone call, he was hosting a Bible study in his
home. I told Leroy about my situation and that my wife and kids had left me. I
also told him about the experience I had in my living room with God. Leroy said
sell what you can’t fit in your truck and move here. He said he would help me
start over with God. I did exactly that. A few weeks later I showed up at
Leroy’s house. Again, he was in the middle of a Bible study. I met Leroy’s new
Christian friends. The leader of the study was Ron. Ron was the local Four
Square Church pastor. His denomination was Four Square Church just like my
Grandma. Ron led me closer to God and a new commitment. A few months later, my
brother Greg discovered Boise Bible College. We entered immediately. God had
indeed paved the way to getting us into college and paying for college. I
graduated with a BA in Bible. During that time, I also lost contact with Pastor
Ron.
Even after Bible College, the desires of my flesh were still strong. I
kept them under control, but my mind and heart were still unstable. Somehow, I
learned the Scriptures well but missed the power of God to help me change my
life. The greater work of the Holy Spirit had not happened. Romans 8:13, 14 say
it best, “For if you are living according to the flesh, you must die; but if by
the Spirit you are putting to death the deeds of the body, you will live. For
all who are being led by the Spirit of God, these are sons of God.” I came to
know the scripture but not the power to change my life.
"You search the Scriptures because you think that in them you
have eternal life; it is these that testify about Me,” (John 5:39). Jesus was
criticizing the local religious leaders because they knew the Scriptures, and
they yet could not recognize Him. Jesus is the Messiah, the Scriptures
described. I was just like them. Somehow I had missed coming to know God in the
midst of His Word. I became an expositor and a proponent of Biblical doctrine.
My sermons were lessons of Biblical doctrine. I preached the Bible and not
Christ. I had missed Christ and became religious. I taught religion, not
Christ. I knew about Christ but did know Him personally. "Woe to you,
scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! For you are like whitewashed tombs which on
the outside appear beautiful, but inside they are full of dead men's bones and
all uncleanness,” (Matthew 23:27). My sermons and lessons were devoted, but on the inside I was full of
all sorts of evil. My sexual desires battled within me, and there was only me
to try to control them. “…holding to a form of godliness, although they have
denied its power,” (2Timothy 3:5).
The professors at the Bible College are godly men. They did their best
to help me. The problem was the un-reconciled, unstable, double-minded man’s
fault: me. Even God could not get through to me at this time. I stayed clean
from acting on my impulses during Bible College. However, shortly after
college, I began to give in to them. My sexual lust and passion, addictions to
alcohol and drugs where too strong for me. I did not know how to submit them to
the Lord. The strongholds were powerful indeed. I was not ready for real
repentance. The Lord’s greater work in me was yet to come.
Not long after college, I began the inevitable fall. If I were going
to be truly saved and useful to God, He had to break me and remake me. He had
to demolish the strongholds, (2Corinthians 10:4). The process of demolition was my fall that
eventually led me to repentance. God was going to work through my fall to save
me. That may sound strange, but only a repentant heart can turn to God and be
saved.
Leading Me to Repentance – My True
Salvation
I was like the Jews who suddenly
realized they had killed their Messiah, and asked what shall we do, (Acts
2:37)? Only then could Peter say repent, (Acts 2:38)! I was going to have to
understand the errors of my ways by reaping the consequences of them. I had to
come to know God in a personal way. Like the Jews in Acts 2, I had to come to
know the resurrected Jesus. I had to come to know that He loves me. I had to
come to know that it was my sin that held Him there on the cross until He died.
I had to come to know His great sacrificial love for me, personally. Coming to
know Jesus in this way broke my heart. My sin and His love “pierced my heart.” "Therefore
let all the house of Israel know for certain that God has made Him both Lord
and Christ--this Jesus whom you crucified. Now when they heard this, they were
pierced to the heart, and said to Peter and the rest of the apostles,
"Brethren, what shall we do,” (Acts 2:36-37)?" It was in this way I
was to be turned to God with a repentant heart and ask, “what must I do?” It
was only then the Holy Spirit could say to me, REPENT! “Peter said to them,
"Repent, and each of you be baptized in the name of Jesus Christ for the
forgiveness of your sins; and you will receive the gift of the Holy Spirit,”
(Acts 2:38). I had already been baptized, but now with earnest repentance, the
power of God through salvation and its power to change my life, deliverance
were now in progress.
We are in spiritual warfare for the souls of mankind. These battles
are fought in the spiritual realm. My flesh was corrupted, and well trained in
fleshly gratification. The spiritual forces of darkness had their way with me.
God had to teach me that I could only be free through Him, by Him, and because
of Him! “…but if by the Spirit you are putting to death the deeds of the body,
you will live,” (Romans 8:13b). “For God is working in you, giving you the
desire and the power to do what pleases Him,” (Philippians 2:13 NLT).
In the last few years, I have helped many get free from the power of
addiction. I use the Scriptures, the Word of God. I use God’s Word to introduce
them to the Lord God Almighty, Himself! I introduce them to the Mighty God who
not only created them but saves them unto eternal life. I help them get filled
with the Spirit of God, in such a way, there is no more room for the flesh. I
lead them to know The Father, Son, and Holy Spirit, personally, and His indwelling
presence and power. In Him is life! In Him is Victory! “For whatever is born of
God overcomes the world; and this is the victory that has overcome the
world--our faith. Who is the one who overcomes the world, but he who believes
that Jesus is the Son of God,” (1John 5:4, 5)?
“Grace and peace be multiplied to you in the knowledge of God and of
Jesus our Lord; seeing that His divine power has granted to us everything
pertaining to life and godliness, through the true knowledge of Him who called
us by His own glory and excellence.
For by these He has granted to us His precious and magnificent
promises, so that by them you may become partakers of the divine nature, having escaped the corruption that is in the
world by lust, (2Peter 1:2-4).
